Dan Stanley, the award-winning founder of the BetterMen organisation and author of Rethinking Masculinity is sending a message to all men this festive season – share your feelings, don’t bottle them up.
The festive and New Year period puts a lot of pressure on people. From festive films to TV shows, from advertising to Christmas cards, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves and living their best life. But the reality is often different.
In a recent YouGov poll, 88% of respondents said that they felt lonely at Christmas, 81% said they found Christmas stressful and 47% were worried about debt. Behind the smiles and the amusing Christmas jumpers, a reality exists that’s in stark contrast with the picture-perfect ‘happy holidays’ image the world wants us to project.
“Men in professional careers are often guilty of keeping up appearances during Christmas and the New Year,” said Dan. “They aren’t good at sharing their feelings and telling people what they are going through. Many men find the festive season a time of great stress, emotionally, mentally and financially. They find the season unmanageable but they bottle it up.”
Dan works with men who are professionally successful yet dissatisfied with where they are and what they are doing. Often, before they work with him, Dan’s clients feel burned out, stuck in a rut or unmotivated in their lives. The festive season can exacerbate these feelings.
“My clients ask me, ‘Why am I not enjoying this?’ or ‘Why can’t I relax’, and often wonder, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ They might find seeing family stressful for a number of reasons, they worry about childcare, travel, buying presents and having no time for children and their partners or for work.
“This year, my clients tell me the pressures are compounded by having less disposable income than in previous years. This goes back to gender conditioning, of men being seen as the providers for their families, an outdated feeling which still prevails to this day. On top of that, boys and adolescent males are still not adequately taught how to express their feelings. There remains a culture of ‘manning up’ and a stigma associated with telling people how they feel. A sense that it would show weakness.”
This level of stress over the festive period can lead to exhaustion and Dan has worked with men who began this year already fatigued and struggling to cope. Despite trying to internalise their worry and stress, the pressure finds its way out and can affect the family members the man is trying to protect. It is no coincidence that the period after New Year has the second highest inquiries for divorce.
So what advice does Dan have for men who are feeling frustrated or struggling to cope over the festive season?
“I advise my clients to use the three Cs:
- Create space – find some time away from the source of the stress, whether that’s taking the dog for a walk, or going and getting some fresh air.
- Check in with a trusted person, whether a friend or a family member and use that time to share, vent, decompress and externalise what you might normally internalise.
- Concentrate the mind – through cognitive bias, if we focus on the problem, it will become compounded. So concentrate your mind on things you are grateful for or things you want to happen.
You definitely don’t want to internalise how you are feeling.”
